Good House Guest Etiquette - Do's and Don'ts
93Finally the holidays are over and it's taken this long (about three weeks into January) to restore the home to its previous condition. We have survived three separate waves of relatives visiting and staying here as guests. People like to visit So Cal in the winter months, I don't blame them, especially since we live close to Disneyland, the beach, and so on. But as much as I like having friends and family visit, I feel that a review of some basic house guest etiquette is in order. Please forgive the ranting tone, but I felt the need to get it out of my system.
Do List for Houseguests
Familiarize yourself with location
Do get familiar with the basic layout of the home - hosts will happily give a tour of where the important items are: the bathroom, towels, coat closet, food pantry, and other basics. Guess what? I actually have labeled my kitchen cabinets to help guests find various items. PAY ATTENTION so you can help yourself instead of having to ask for help all the time.
Learn the house rules
Along the same lines, get familiar with the rules of the household. This is especially true if you're traveling with kids. If your hosts remove their shoes before entering the house, you'd better do the same (why can't people get the hang of this?). If your hosts don't allow the television to be on at certain times, then you mustn't be turning it on for your kids. Older houses often have unspoken plumbing rules, like don't flush if someone is taking a shower in the other bathroom. It could be unpleasant when the water pressure bottoms out. Find out about stuff like that, and follow the rules.
Above all, if you're visiting a non-smoking household or if there are young children living there, do not smoke. Not even outside. Because you will still have smoke molecules on your person and you will contaminate an otherwise pristine home with that poisonous filth. In fact, do not even bring cigarettes into the house in your baggage; I do not want my family and kids to be exposed to any of it. Enough said?
Deal with allergies
If you have allergies to any pets, either get the appropriate treatment or stay at a hotel instead of at a pet owner's house. It is not the host's problem if you are allergic, but many hosts will feel apologetic about it anyway and start vacuuming and deep cleaning to try to make it better, and will even try to put the poor animal outside or away somewhere. It's quite rude to put your host in that position.
Be neat and tidy
Do keep your space neat - if you've been given a spare bedroom, or even if not, make your bed! Keep your belongings confined to a small neat area, not lying all over the coffee or side tables in the house (on a table in your room is fine). If the room you are using is actually someone's bedroom, it is only polite to keep the door ajar (unless you're getting dressed) so they can access things they need from their room.
Ditto for the bathroom - clean up after yourself! Wipe down the counter and shower after use, and don't scatter your toiletries on the vanity and leave them there. Ugh! At the least, store them in your travel kit bag in a corner of the vanity. And folks who are on medications, especially the older folks - you must be extremely careful to keep your pills closed up in their child-proof containers and not leave them out on the counter or let them drop on the floor! Yes, I have discovered loose pills in my kid's room after guests have departed. Hosts do not appreciate their children and pets being put at risk of poisoning.
Help around the house
Do help out with the household chores. At least offer to cook meals or get takeout (instead of letting your hosts cook for you all the time); clean up the dishes, help wipe down the table or counter, vacuum, etc!
Be flexible with meals
Do be flexible about meals, food and meal times. Unless you have religious or medical/dietary restrictions, eat when and what is being served. Chances are your hosts have gone out of their way to buy and make foods that they think would be enjoyable for the guests. And say thank you for it. Also, always ask before helping yourself to food or snacks from the pantry - those cookies may be reserved for a specific purpose by the host, like next Saturday's scout meeting.
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Give a hostess gift
Do bring a hostess gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, but don't just arrive empty-handed! A gift card, flowers, wine, or some delicious food or snack items will be appreciated by your hosts. Just make sure it's appropriate (ex. don't bring wine for non-drinkers).
Keep your host informed
Do inform your hosts about your itinerary and scheduled in/out of the house trips. It will help them better plan their schedule to accomodate everyone's needs. If you are being driven around by your hosts to various activities, do offer to reimburse them for gasoline costs.
Clean up before departing
Do, please, clean up before your departure. Remove the sheets, bedding and towels provided for you and launder them if possible. Re-make up your bed for the next person, or for the regular occupant of the room. Empty the trash basket in your room. You might also ask your host for cleaning supplies so you can do the bathroom as well. Double check to make sure none of your possessions are left behind. The last thing a host wants to do is make an extra trip to the post office to send back something you left.
Thank your hosts
Do write a thank you note afterwards. If you haven't done the hostess gift thing yet, now is the time to send something like a gift certificate.
Don'ts for Houseguests
Don't act like you're moving in
Don't plant yourself and your things around the house as if you were taking up permanent residence. And don't bring the mammoth-sized luggage if you can help it. It will just get in everyone's way.
Don't be a slob
Don't be a lazy slob - pitch in and do your part to keep the house neat and tidy. This goes especially for the guys, post-holiday meal or during those New Year's bowl games. Haul that beer gut up off the couch and venture into the kitchen to help prepare food or clean up! Don't expect the women folk to do all the dirty work while you're busy enjoying yourself or snoring on the sofa!!!
Watch the food and beverage consumption
Don't eat the hosts out of house and home. If you and your family are consuming large amounts of food, for example, you've drained the milk supply in the fridge, get to the store and replenish the supply, for goodness sake. On the same food note, don't buy a big box of special food for yourself (something your host normally doesn't stock) and then just leave it there taking up room in the pantry or fridge after you leave! Either take it with you, or dispose of it! I know some people have a really hard time throwing things out, especially perfectly good food, but if your host can't use it, GET OVER IT and GET RID OF IT!
Don't stay up too late
Don't keep ungodly hours - try not to stay up way later than your hosts or sleep in way later in the morning (unless jet lag or illness is a factor). If you are up later or earlier than everyone else, keep it quiet! Do not turn on the TV and crank up the volume just because you're hard of hearing. Yes, I'm talking about all the grandparents out there. Either get a hearing aid or learn how to use the closed captioning. Tough noogies if you can't hear it; the rest of us don't want to be volume-blasted out of our own house!
More TV don'ts
Another don't for the TV - if it's not on, do not turn it on unless this is okay with your host. Do not try and commandeer the remote control. If the TV is already on, do not change the channel unless you've checked first. You might just screw up a recording of one of their favorite programs.
Don't bring pets
I know people can go almost anywhere now with their little sweater-wearing dogs - the malls and restaurants are full of those little hand-held pets. But don't bring your own pet to stay with you unless you've cleared it with your hosts first.
Don't Overdo the Appliance Usage
Don't expect to use your hosts' car, telephone, computer, or any other appliance without permission. I've had houseguests who ran the washing machine and dryer every day
just for a few clothes, yikes, what a waste of water and electricity.
Our water bill is already big enough, thank you very much! Use your own cell phone, or offer to pay for calls you need to make on their phone. If you are using their computer, don't sit there and surf the Internet for hours. Just check your e-mail or get whatever info you needed and get the heck off. And if you've brought your own laptop, have the courtesy to delete and destroy the WiFi password your hosts have so graciously shared with you.
Be your own tour guide
Don't expect your hosts to play tour guide or chauffeur unless they have explicitly offered this service. Maybe they don't want to go to Disneyland for the 10th time. If they are taking you sightseeing, offer to pay for parking or their admission fees to the various attractions. Or simply plan your own sightseeing outings if your hosts aren't available and willing.
Don't stay too long
Don't overstay your welcome. Repeat, don't overstay your welcome. Three days or so is a good amount of time for a visit. For certain house guests, anything over a day might be long enough. Over a week or so may start feeling like an imposition on your host's regular work and lifestyle. Even the closest of family members needs their space after a while. If you leave your hosts with a good feeling towards you and your visit, maybe they would like to invite you back in the future.
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Linda, are you kidding? These rules are perfectly acceptable. The only people who would have an issue with them are those people who EXPECT to be waited on hand and foot.
I have a relative of my husband's staying and considers my home to be his. Normally that's not an issue but he has committed every single Don't on the list, with the exception of bringing a pet, and it has completely and totally inconveninced me and the entire household. We have 2 small children as well who are getting uncomfortable.
The point is, people need to STOP ASSUMING anyone really wants to you camp out at their houses for longer than a day or two! Grow up people; if you really can't afford a hotel, then DON'T VISIT THE AREA!!!!!!!
LOL, I didn't realize the subject could be so controversial. Linda, I completely sympathize, I think this experience happens to a lot of people, esp over the holidays :-)
This is a good post. Sometimes we have to be reminded again. Thanks!
Good info. It should be mandatory reading for every host and guest.
I once had some guests who wouldn't eat anything I had bought for them, and who had initially told me they'd be spending one week. Instead they stayed a week and a half, and by the time they left I never wanted to see them again. Thanks for writing this!!!
(Oh, and did I mention they woke me up flushing the toilets all night because they were smoking in my bathroom when I had asked them to do so outside?)
I had step-children that came to visit over Christmas and made the holidays a living hell because of how inconsiderate they are of us and our home. Watching TV until 3:30-4:30 in the morning and then sleeping until after noon and not picking up their dishes from the table and putting on the counter and leaving wet towels on the carpet in their bedrooms. I hope they never return! I am now going to post household rules for house guests and state at the bottom of the page that if they chose to not comply with our house rules that I will gladly help them pack for their immediate return trip home. I am NOT the maid and this is NOT the Hilton!
LOL have we all recovered from holiday visitations? Thanks for all the comments, I love them, hope everyone has a wonderful and peaceful new year (with or without houseguests : )
Acquaintances asked if they could use our guest house for a few days. They wound up staying 17 days. They did not take us out to dinner or bring a hostess gift of any kind. They let their child jump on my furniture. They took food out of my refrigerator in the main house without asking. Every night, they asked what time we'd be having breakfast. I told them that we would not be out of bed until 10 and suggested they go out to breakfast. No, they let themselves into my house (leaving doors ajar), fixed breakfast in my kitchen and left me with a sink of dirty dishes. By the time they left, I was furious. I have a guest house that I often make available to family and friends. My rule is simple: You may sleep in the guest house and go about your business as you like, leaving me free to do the same. Why people expect a bed-and-breakfast experience is beyond me. The guest house is now closed. Thank you.
We had house guests over the holidays, too. The people basically invited themselves and then stayed for more than a week. They were so inconsiderate. One night, I made dinner and the "guest" announced that she would make something else for herself. I told her there were plenty of restaurants in town, but she decided my pantry was "handier." Arg. To top it off, I was awaken every day at 6 a.m., because she wanted to eat breakfast. Every day, I awoke to dishes and a mess. Worse yet, food I had purchased for other dishes was consumed, forcing me to go shopping again. My new rule: I'm charging $200 a night for the guest house, which is less than local hotels charge. Continental breakfast will be included, of course.
While some of these I agree with, being common courtesy, some of them are just loony or taken to the extreem. I would be DEVASTATED if a guest in my home asked for cleaning supplies to clean the bathroom, or stripped the bed and did the laundry (that wasn't their own clothes). Short of spillage type mess or helping with light stuff like chopping veggies or something; I DO NOT expect short term guests to do housework. Yes, I expect them to be tidy in shared spaces, but dictating where they should keep thier toiletries? Also, you lable your cabinets, then bitch if someone eats out of them?
Sounds like I wouldn't stay at your home if you paid me, and I suspect you may want to get that stick removed for your family's sanity as well.
Wow. While some are reasonable like guests tidying up after themselves, offering to help with dinner clean up, using your own supplies and basic manners, it would be super stressful to stay at your house for a week-end! These sound far more apt for long-term guests.
My Father in Law stayed with us for the past 3 weeks. He is like having another child around and it is a great inconvienence to me. This happens a few times a year and I finally told my husband ENOUGH!He takes over the couch and remote, fights with his grandkids over our computer; farts burps, talks with his mouth full of food and walks around freely in his boxers!My husbands father or not, I am done!
I think this post was excellent. If u don't agree, you've obviously not had guests from hell!
It's also a good idea not to get caught having sex on the kitchen floor. Maybe even not do it all together until you've left.
Rrrrrr
Very good article. I also wonder if there is any set of rules of etiquete for house hosts with dogs or cats when a non animal person visits the house?
I have sometimes have to put up with bad mannered guests - this is a great post and for rules of etiquette for house hosts with dogs and/or cats when non animal person visits the house - yes, dont visit, meet somewhere else! sorry non animal people but my dogs live here, my guests dont, this is their home and anyone with dogs in particular knows that shutting them in a room or even worse outside can cause enormous distress to an animal - feeding titbits is a huge no no, leaving medication around which they may eat-tantamount to attempted murder - if a guest has asked to stay or accepted an invitation to my house they know I have pets and they will be there too, we do have a jokey sign "dog hair is a condiment in this house" but its not far from the truth with 6 dogs and 2 cats ;-) any allergies? it would be impossible to totally remove the cause, probably best find a hotel lol
I found this website to try to find a nice way to tell my sister that she can't stay at my house for more than a week anymore. She really does't have much money and usually visits for 12 -14 agonizing days and we can't do it ever again. We have told her very politely that 1 week is all we can do without being overwhelmed and she totally took it like I stabbed her in the heart. She moves in and makes my poor sons room and bathroom look like a refugee camp with clothes and garbage spread every where. She takes over the couch at night blasting her inappropriate reality TV shows and when we ask her to please turn it down because our ears are bleeding she says" What the hell". Every other word begins and ends with F or S in front of my little kids. We go on huge road trips and makes my pack lunches for everyone because she can't afford to eat lunch out. I have to fill the tank 5 or six times which is several hundreds of dollars. Oh and last time money was missing from my sons wallet and her daughter had no idea what happened to it. When she leaves she is crying because she had so much fun and didn't want to leave and we are all crying because we are so tired and want to jump off a bridge. I have to stick to my guns this year and not allow more than a week, but still feel bad that this hurts her feelings. What wrong with this picture? My family doesn't even take a vacation for more then a week without wanting to get back to our normal routine. I just have to keep telling myself that I don't run a B&B!
For those of you that think these rules are too extreme.... chances are you are most likely the guests that torture your host! I find every single rule to be appropriate. If you don't like to abide by any rules get a Hotel room!
I COMPLETY agree with EVERYTHING you said. We live out of state from my mother-in-law who takes it upon herself to come 2 - 3 times a year and stay for TEN days. I spend the whole time cooking for her, cleaning up, driving her to stores. It IS like having another child around. My husband has told her about at least putting her dishes in the dishwasher and she doesn't - leaves them at the table. We have to keep 'reminding' her to put her dishes in the sink - apparently putting in the dishwasher was too hard. My husband & I just start asking her to help with dinner once and awhile because she NEVER offers. She'll come in about 5 and ask when is dinner. Not how can she help. I said we needed the plates set still and I left the room to do something. I came back & she was sitting at the EMPTY table quietly eating an orange looking like a martyr for having to wait for dinner. GET THE F*Ck OUT OF MY HOUSE.
I use to feel bad because she CLEARLY thinks her role as a guest is to be waited on. I felt I was being a bad hostess. That ended a LONG time ago. I LOATHE her visits. Last time my husband insisted she stay for 9 days. She kept pushing for 10 - 11 and he just politely but firmly said 9. This last time she called to say she had already booked her flights WITHOUT asking us. And surprise it was for 10 tens. Both my husband and I told her to NEVER do that again. She was like 'I'm sorry'. She knew exactly the F*CK she was doing. To those with the negative comments, you host people for DAYS on end several times a year and get back to me.
My MIL came to visit and it is "not her custom" to plan ahead. I thought it would be for a week or so. It was three miserable months. She created issues I never would have dreamed of: she knew that I had shared laundry arrangements in our apartment building, so it was somewhat of a chore to keep up with our own laundry for a family with two babies. Yet from the first day she would strip her bed including the heavy blankets and heap them in front of my bedroom door to be washed. Every morning! My husband had to get her to knock it off.and the misery never stopped: no matter what I said, she left handfuls of loose pills lying around "for later", left the door to the street ajar repeatedly, and basically endangered my kids continually.she was rude, demanding, and kept putting my personal and household belongings into her luggage "well, I don't see you using it". I have not banned her from the house, but have laid down some rules. She does not like that and seldom comes here any more.
My sister stays with me when she comes to visit my elderly parents. Due to one of them being very ill, she's been here way too much this year already, and she is currently here for yet another week. She does almost every one of the "don'ts."
My biggest issue is that she expects to use my computers. I have a desktop and a laptop and I use them for work. I don't want anyone else using my computers. If she needs to access email or whatever while she's away, she needs to stop being so darn cheap and buy a laptop.
Good information. I realize that many people are not considerate of the time it take for you to get your household organized and clean. I personally agree wholly with your article. If only everyone could be courteous and clean. Inconsiderate people tends to wear out their welcome with me in hours, less than day(s). I really don't look forward to them returning to my home.
I agree with everything you said,when i stay at my children's house,i follow all the rules,i always clean after my self,and fix the bed,before i leave,always helped with the cooking,as a matter a fact,i cook most of the time,also buy food,while I'm there,or help with the bill,and clean the kitchen if i cooked,what i like to know is,if someone stays at my house,do we suppose to make them breakfast and other meals,i do,but i have stayed with family,and some of them won't make breakfast or any other meals for us,i was the one that did the cooking for everyone,just like to know,whats the right thing.
Linda 18 months ago
I am glad I don't have to stay at your house!